Well, it seems that what people say is true...you find out who your true friends are when you are in crisis.  When I sat down yesterday and wrote that entry, I did not clearly think through what might happen as a result of blogging the actual thoughts in my head, even when presenting it in question form.  I do not regret venting, however, I realize I put several of you in a position of panic.  For that, I apologize.  I promise, I am safe, I am coping, and I won't go into more detail.  I don't want you to worry, and I don't want you to think very hard or very long about all of this at all...meaning, I don't want you to second guess anyone in my life. 

So, I'm so sorry for the panic.  Please stop worrying.  Pray for me.  Forgiveness is a very difficult mountain to climb.  I'm still struggling to strap on the necessary protective equipment in preparation for the climb right now.

In the meantime, my house is cleaner than it's been in months.  I've gotten more accomplished in my house in two days than in the past 4 weeks.  And school has gotten done, and I seriously bargain shopped for groceries this morning with four busy little kids.  The girls have a new pair of pajamas and another almost finished (did I mention I can't justify spending $12 on a pair of pajamas for little kids?  I can't justify it for myself...what a cheapskate!!).  You can accomplish so much more when you're working without thinking.  Or maybe thinking too much.  It's a toss-up from moment to moment. The kids were so adorable at gymnastics today.  Reasa hates not getting it right the first time, but she'll get over it.  Lainie just has a natural knack for moving in the gym.  And Bryson...well, he's the ham.  And he loves when he can show off like that.

So, even in the midst of mental chaos, and a bit of emotional numbness, a sweet friend has reminded me that I have much to be thankful for.  I have beautiful, brilliant, perfect, fun-loving, imaginative, compassionate, lovable, sweet children.  I have a home that I love, a job that fulfills me, a family that supports me, friends who protect me, and most imporantly, a God who sustains me.  How blessed am I?

Thank you for reading yesterday's entry and responding, friends.  I love you all.  Those of you who are praying, I am grateful for you.

Have you ever been betrayed?  For a really long time?  Was it a serious, serious offense?  And when the person who did the betraying confessed to you, or you discovered the betrayal, how did you react?  Were you brave and noble?  Did you cry?  Did you rant and rave and scream and stomp?  Did you sit in stunned silence, retracing every step of your life for the entire duration of the lie?  Did you make silent connections, paint mental pictures, repeat conversations, replay events over and over while the person talked, not really sure if what you were hearing was true or just some sick nightmare, or a trick being played on you?  Did you quietly shut down?  Did you start to think about the future ramifications, the sacrifices to be made, the sacrifices you had already unknowingly made for what had already taken place, the trust you had lost?  Did you blame yourself?  Did you realize it wasn't your fault, and then reblame yourself?  Did you run out of thoughts and sit with your head in your hands?  Did you end the conversation, get up and pace around and make plans, change them, and then decide to fold a load of laundry because your hands needed something to do, and your brain needed to rest?  Did you spend the next day in absolute denial, wishing you could tell someone the details, and knowing this would serve no useful purpose, choosing instead to busy yourself with the routine of the day?  Did you get really efficient, maybe accomplishing tasks you had put off for weeks, simply to keep yourself occupied?  Did you waffle helplessly between anger and sadness?  Did you let your kids stay up from naps so that you didn't have silent, alone moments to dwell on the issue?  Did you get really serious about story elements and sign language and centers with your kids when you may have otherwise busied yourself with "other" tasks and let them work independently?

Did you recover?  Did you figure out how to forgive?

No, really.  Did you?  Because I need to know.

I hate being sick.  You should see my house.  I have done nothing today except sew and shop.  Which, actually, I have to say, has been somewhat therapeutic.  I laid in bed until 9:15 this morning (which is soooooo uncharacteristic for me--the whole family slept in the family room last night (the kids begged), so I was semi-comatose, right there in the middle of the action from 7:15 until then (Seth left for work at 6:00), but I just laid there, none-the-less), wondering if my head would throb if I got up like it throbbed while I was laying there, and thinking that maybe if I just stayed there on my back, my nose would unplug enough so I could breathe eventually.  It didn't.  It hasn't all day.  I kept thinking allergies were to blame here...now I'm guessing not.  So, I felt guilty for staying in bed so long, and Seth wound up coming home by 9:30 when we expected him to have to work all day, and I made doughnuts...what a process...and pain-in-the-neck cleanup!  Anyway, I think Seth felt sorry for me...after I took care of my parents dogs, he let me go by myself to Joanne's to look for fabric for jammies for the girls (I can't justify spending $12 on a pair of pajamas for a 6- or 7-year old!), then he suggested using our gift cards to Outback Steakhouse with the kids tonight so I didn't have to cook (he does have good ideas!!).  After dinner, we visited our brand new Burlington Coat Factory just across the street from the restaurant, where we each found a couple of shirts--we feel like we live in a "real town" now that we have a Target and a Burlington.  Pitiful.  The girls found their "school sneakers" as we ventured through the rest of the mall, including the customary trip to the pet shop, and Bryson got new Batman undies...Mommy felt guilty that he didn't get something when the girls each got jammies and sneakers today, neither of which he needed.   We made giant chocolate chip cookies when we got home because we can't justify the amount of money the Cookie Company charges for chocolate chip cookies at the mall, and the kids sooooo wanted them tonight...Mommy is such a sucker for, "Mommy, can you pleeeeeaaaase make cookies for us when we get home?  Really big ones with frosting like they make at the mall???"  Another yucky mess to clean up.  I love my kids.

So now, it's 12:48 am, and I have just finally settled down from the day.  I think the sudafed is keeping me awake, along with the disaster of my house.  I can only ignore it for so long, no matter how crappy I feel, because eventually the thought of leaving it in its current state and going to bed just overwhelms me.  Drives Seth nuts!  Of course, this comes from the man who falls asleep in his recliner the moment he sits in it and turns the channel to something involving military strategy or a war in Iraq or the history of the combat rifle, or a new American Choppers episode.  Mythbusters.  Modern Marvels.  How It's Made.  Unwrapped.  Ugh.  I just learned that some tank is covered with ceramic plates, then half an inch of Kevlar-reinforced steel.  It sounds like this makes it relatively indestructable.  I suppose if you're in a tank in Iraq, this is important information.  Woo hoo.  The things you learn when you're not paying any attention.  Or when you think you're not paying any attention.

Honestly, there is no real point of tonight's entry.  I have nothing of actual import to say.  No life-altering information, no deep thoughts, no depth whatsoever.  I hope each of you has had a wonderful day, and that next time, I have something interesting to share.  In the meantime, thanks for bearing with me as I babble.  There's this teen that I don't know at all, but I've been praying for her. We'll call her Ellie.  If you think of it, pray for Ellie.  God will know who you're talking about.  She could really use your prayers.  Really.  Pray for her.  She needs protection and peace.

I have devotionals emailed to me every day from Proverbs 31 Ministries, and I seriously miss them on the weekends. They're that good. I wouldn't call them a Bible Study for me, though if you do the additional exercises at the end of them, they could be...unfortunately, I'm ashamed to say I don't take that much time with them. This is an area of my life upon which I need to improve. Regardless, yesterday's email especially struck a chord with me because of my entry a couple of days ago. I've cut and pasted it below with the appropriate information and credits included--it's definitely a worthwhile read. Check out the Proverb's 31 Ministries website--I've included it in my links...excellent stuff.

Key Verse:
John 14:27, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” (NIV)

Devotion:
Peace. The very word settles down in my soul and sits quietly there, hopeful and waiting. How I long for peace to well up to overflowing inside me. Instead, I search in vain for this elusive part of God’s promise to me. Didn’t Jesus say that He was leaving us with peace when He ascended into Heaven? Then where is my peace? How can I have peace in my life?

I make the mistake of seeking peace by trying to control my life, my circumstances and the people I love. Surely if I can exercise some control over what happens to me, then peace will be a byproduct of that control. Right? Yet, peace still eludes me. I realize that control is not the answer I had hoped for.

I know I am not the only woman who struggles with desiring to control my life. I think that it is in our nature to want to control things. When Adam and Eve were cursed by God, He told Eve, “Your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you.” (Genesis 3:16) God was telling Eve that her desire for control would be a struggle for the rest of her life. She would want to rule over things, yet that was not the responsibility God had assigned her. Eve and every women after her has struggled with this ever since.

In my search for peace, I found that peace was not a product of control but the very opposite of it! I find peace when I surrender control. When I say to God, “I can’t,” I feel the absolute serenity of knowing that He can. I have found that being “out of control” is actually a very peaceful state of mind! When I am “out of control,” I allow God complete control.

To help myself remember this valuable lesson, I developed an acronym for “Peace” that I want to share with you:

Purposefully

Embracing

All

Circumstances

Everyday

I don’t have control and never will. When I purposefully embrace all the circumstances that God allows to come into my life, and accept that He has allowed them according to His perfect plan to accomplish His purposes, then I can experience the freedom He intended and experience the peace that passes all understanding. Try peace God’s way today! It may not be what you expected, but I can testify that His peace is truly perfect peace.

My Prayer for Today:

Dear Lord, Help me to embrace everything You allow in my life. Help me to surrender the control that I have tried to have and to trust You instead. Thank You for giving me perfect peace as You promised. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Application Steps:

Write down the acronym for PEACE and the verse from John 14:27 on an index card. Carry it with you throughout your day. Ask God to help you surrender control and submit to His plans for you, whatever they may be. When you feel yourself starting to wrestle with your desire for control, reflect on the acronym and the verse on your card. Meditate on the Power Verses below. Spend more time in prayer seeking ways to give up control so that you can know God’s peace.

I'm singing in a wedding this weekend. Not that that's some big accomplishment--it's not. I do it all the time. And that's not a big deal either, but none-the-less, I'm singing. And making the cake. Also not a real big deal. The majority of the dessert will be a dessert buffet, and the only real reason for the cake is so that the bride and groom have something to cut and shove in each other's mouths and then something to freeze for their anniversary cake. Anyway, back to the point (sheesh). The song is an arrangement of Be Thou My Vision, as performed by the Passion Worship Band--it has a definite Irish feel, and it's very, very simple. Now, I am not a big fan of hymns. I don't have any real problem with them, they're just not my favorite thing to sing. I have seriously dreaded singing this song, primarily because it is a hymn, but also because I have put it off...I started listening to it this morning (the rehearsal is at 5:30, the wedding tomorrow at 3). You know, the "I know this song, there's no real reason to kill myself practicing, but in the meantime, I will stress and have nightmares about not pulling it all together" issue...I don't know, maybe you don't have issues like that. We procrastinators...well, anyway. Add procrastination to the fact that the guy who is playing guitar to accompany me has been in Nashville for the past month and just came home Wednesday, and...you get the picture.

We're going through a lot right now in the Frazer household. Seth gave his 2 weeks notice at work on Wednesday, and his boss told him he didn't want his notice and that it was his last day--don't bother coming in tomorrow. He starts his new job on Monday (Praise God!!), however, this gives us a slight pay gap for which we hadn't planned. We're playing catch-up with bills right now (who isn't?), and this just complicates things. Additionally, on his way home yesterday morning from dropping off his company phone and some other equipment, his truck died. He thought it was a timing problem...nope, it's most likely the $260 fuel pump. You know...when it rains...your basement gets flooded and the sump pump dies. Our kids are giving us fits in one way or another, things are crazy with school and everything else, I'm babysitting a very busy 22-month-old, and I have this wedding to get ready for...which really started with the shower two weeks ago, I haven't gotten the kids signed up for piano lessons or their gymnastics yet this fall, and we skipped school today...Separately, these things would be no big deal whatsoever, but that's how it always works. In my mind, I know that these are wonderful opportunities for the Lord to show me that He is my portion. I need to surrender control (see last entry). That He can handle it all if I just let him. In my heart...well, my heart is torn. With a desire to trust Him for his provision, and yet a fear of letting it go.

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Be all else but naught to me save that Thou art.
Be Thou my best thought all the day and the night,
Both waking and sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Lord of my heart! When you think of God as Lord of your heart, what does that do to you? Does your heart swell? There is so much more said by that phrase than just "my Lord." Lord of my heart...my most tender part. The part that gets torn up when I feel like I've failed as a mom. The part that struggles through these times of trial with Seth's work. The part that wavers back and forth between strength and weakness through the triumphs and trials. Lord of my heart!! It reminds me of another song that describes Him so beautifully...Lover of My Soul. When he's described that way, He is no longer a lofty figure. He is my God, Lover of my soul, Lord of my heart.

It's amazing what happens when someone changes the words to a song you know so well you can sing it in your sleep (and attempt to, until you suddenly realize you don't remember any of the words while you're sleeping--thus, the nightmare). You look at that song so differently. I spend very little time thinking about how God thinks of me, and a whole lot of time thinking about how I don't live up to His expectations. When in reality, He is just waiting for me to realize that He loves me regardless of how I'm performing. Yes, He has expectations for me, but more than anything, He is the Lord of my heart.

Thank you, Juliet, for choosing this song!!

This morning, we took our first field trip of the year. In honor of weeks "B" and "C," we visited Crystal City Bakery and decorated Cupcakes. The bakery generously offered to walk us through the work area, show us how they did everything, let us help fill donuts, and then squeeze unbelievably sweet buttercream frosting and sprinkles onto cupcakes they saved just for us to decorate.  I went into the trip with semi-high expectations and realized after we had begun that we should have done some more prep-work before we walked in. We brainstormed a few questions we hoped to have answered while we drove over, but we should have written something down. Ahhh, the lessons you learn. What I realized while I was there and as I evaluated the trip is that I'm a complete control freak when it comes to what my kids learn. The girls who led the tour did a good job at pointing things out, but they didn't give a whole lot of information and my kids didn't get as excited as they would have if they had seen enthusiasm from the guides. I found myself filling in blanks which, in my mind, they should have thought to fill in themselves.  You know, "Look at all the racks of bread!  I wonder how many there are?" and "What does it smell like in this section, kids?  Yeast!  Right!"  I know these things are not necessarily details they would expect second graders to pick up on, but I guess maybe I've been hanging out with children for too many years.  Oh, well. The kids got to fill those donuts and watch pizza dough being shaped and proofed, they saw a ginormous oven filled with something like 180 pizza crusts, and a room-sized refrigerator (Lainie was so impressed), and they watched a woman slicing and packaging hot dog rolls. They even found out that our bakery (ours because we go there so often) services our local schools and sometimes those schools order 65 dozen rolls for a particular day.  The trip was a success, all-in-all.  Though I battled Lainie to jot down her thoughts about the trip, I realized later that I would battle her for the rest of the day on several other points, so it had nothing at all to do with the trip itself.  This is just where Lainie is in her little life.  When asked individually at bedtime to pick out their favorite part of the day, each of the three chose the trip to the bakery.  Bryson even thought long and hard to remember the specific title of the visit..."The trip, Momma, the trip.  Oh, the field trip."  A successful school day.  We even got our regular school accomplished, and I'll take that. 

Tomorrow, I'm just going to stand over Lainie and hound her the whole time she's working.  Somehow, I have to remove the distractions from her life.  Unfortunately, this means removing her fingers, her lips, her teeth, her hair, her pencil, her notebooks, whatever book we're reading, her toes, and all of her toys (or whatever else is within her reach).  Poor kid.  ARGH!  Anyone have any suggestions?  This might also be Mommy's control freakishness (maybe just plain old freakishness) peeking out.  I don't know.  The child simply cannot accomplish a task without getting completely distracted.  I sent the kids to their rooms to make their beds this afternoon, with plans to vacuum the family room while they accomplished this task.  I found that my vacuum had so completely clogged with dog fur, no dirt/fur made it past the clog to the canister.  I got it unclogged and the room vacuumed, and this took probably 20 minutes (well, of course it did.  I meant for it to take 5).  When I went to check on the kids, Bryson had completely avoided his bed and moved on to playing with Emily, Reasa had made the bed and set up a quiet-time corner to read in this afternoon, and Lainie was still sitting on her bed without having even pulled the sheet tight.  I have no idea what she had done, but it certainly did not involve making her bed.  In the time it took me to put away 3 loads of completely disorganized semi-folded laundry, make my bed, keep Emily out of my shoe collection (she's a 22-month-old shoe freak!), and help Bryson with his bed, Lainie had only gotten as far as pulling the comforter over the sheet!  I heard singing, and giggling from her, but during that next 15 minutes or so, I have no idea what she did!!  Imagine how long her list of 7 chores would take her if she did all of them at once!  Then try asking her to write three sentences about the bakery.  Or have her read 5 pages of a story independently.  Or finish an exercise in her math workbook.  Sheesh.  I'm exhausted.  If this continues as it is, she will never get one smidge of her school work done.  Ever.  How do you make a 6-year-old meandering mind focus on the things she needs to do?  How do you allow her to be creative and fun-loving and adorable and still make her responsible??  Remember the last entry about Bible curriculum and responsibility?  I guess we still need some work on this.

Have you noticed how little control you actually have in life?  Does this bother anybody else?

Well, my guilt feelings for making my children work so hard all week this week worked themselves out this morning. I realized last night as I finished up my planning how much we actually accomplished Tuesday through Thursday of the first week of school, and since we needed to make a trip to the library today, we made a morning of it. They worked out some of their first-week-of-school-cooped-up-in-the-house feelings, and mommy enjoyed watching them choose Goldilocks books at the library for next week's quiet reading time and work on the crafts and painting at the Parent Resource Center. They thought they were having a day of rest... I don't remember ever getting anything of value done the first couple of weeks of school other than to establish my expectations and the rules for the classroom and to remember how to be students. I think we're doing very well in comparison to that. They ask to do math and science every day again, which I just love, and Bryson giggles when I tell him it's time for his reading. I think he knows the girls do reading, and they're readers, but he has never been the one who has to "do reading"...all new territory for him. I look forward to when he considers himself a reader. We have a lot of time before I think that will happen, but he is only 4 and a half, after all.

You know, life revolves around school now. Nothing else happens around here. Today, I watched Notting Hill while my children napped (which they needed after not going to bed until 10 last night and getting up at the crack of dawn today), and felt like a complete slacker while I did that. Tomorrow I will sleep until 7. Though I don't necessarily enjoy getting up at 5:30 in the morning, I am glad to be awake with Seth for a few minutes before he leaves for work at 6, and I'm thankful he's now getting lunch (stubborn man, has never packed a lunch--hates to wake up 5 minutes earlier to take the time to make a sandwich and stuff a fruit cup, pudding and a spoon in a bag) every day. But I'll tell you what, sleeping until 7 tomorrow...sounds like heaven! (And heaven knows, Bryson will be up at 7).

I have to mention how God worked things with our Bible lessons this week. As a homeschooling mom, I have found that a big struggle each year will be knowing I have made the right choice regarding curriculum. I made the decision this year not to purchase a Bible curriculum because of the incredible Sunday School curriculum our Children's ministry committee has chosen this year. Reasa brings home a "Refrigerator Door" paper, detailing the topic they're covering as well as application steps, a memory verse, key points, and a 4-lesson study guide for the rest of the week every Sunday. As I looked at this material over the summer, I wondered why I couldn't use that for Bible every day...I liked our curriculum last year, but it was huge--a lot of really deep material, a lot of reading (me reading to them), a lot of stuff--and I decided this year, my goal wasn't to shirk on what we dealt with in Bible, but to make it more applicable to them right where they're at. At the same time, I worried that I was cheating the kids by not doing something more formal. Over the past month or so, we have become accutely aware of the need for the kids to have routine, as well as specific tasks they are particularly responsible for around the house (we realized how lazy they were getting, as well as how frustrated Mommy was about the condition of the house).  So, every morning, they have been responsible for their own list of chores they have had to check off--they hate it.  And they fuss.  Well, this week has been no different--they do their chores before we start school--and each morning, it took at least an hour (things which should have taken 20 minutes, tops).  Guess what this week's Bible lessons dealt with?  This week, we talked about responsibility.  And it all worked beautifully into what we needed to deal with.  All that questioning, all that concern over jipping my kids...well, it's gone now.  Thank you, Lord, for guiding my steps.  Especially when I ask you to.  And then I notice that you did it.

That's the trick, isn't it?  Noticing when God does what you ask him to do?  Amazing.

Well, it's the end of day one.  We have officially completed our first day of second grade (we started preschool last week, so this was "B" week (go figure, Bryson's favorite week), without major incident.  It started out touch-and-go (Lainie chose today to display her slow-pokey-ness with her list-of-things-to-do-before-we-start-the-day, and Reasa decided she didn't remember how to write or spell.  Argh.), but really, has turned out quite well.  Along with actually enjoying the math we did today, the girls came up with a learning goal for the school year (Reasa wants to learn more about rabbits, and Lainie wants to learn how to jump rope (that's what happens when you don't specify what they want to learn academically)), listened to a story about a boy living in Capri (and they can show you where it is on the map!), built with Box Blocks (it's "B" week, remember?), and read aloud to Mommy one-on-one from Riding the Pony Express, which was a challenge, especially for Lainie.  I remember the point about 2/3 of the way through first grade when Reasa suddenly just took off with her reading...she realized she could read anything, that she enjoyed reading everything, and that she wanted as much as she could get her hands on.  Lainie reads competently, but not for enjoyment.  At this point, she would rather sit and thumb through all of the pictures in any book and tell the story herself, or just ignore the words and imagine the story.  By asking her to read 14 pages of a simple chapter book, I might as well have asked her to eat 3 cheeseburgers (and if you know Lainie, that's a fate worse than death).  She did very well...I think she surprised herself!  I look forward to when that lightbulb goes on for Lainie.  I want her to love reading.  And Math.  And Science.  We'll see.

Bryson has surprised me with his willingness to learn.  It helps that his curriculum incorporates so much fun stuff...I point you again to the Letter of the Week link...the whole Box Blocks thing--he had the worst time waiting for that.  And counting with the plastic counting bears manipulatives...he just couldn't stand the waiting.  He wrote his "b's" with eagerness, repeatedly, and he remembered his "a" without prompting or example, and he attempts all the signs we have learned (have you ever watched a 4-year-old learn to sign?  It's just adorable.)...he even sits still to read the books and asks for them to be read!  Last year, he really didn't care.  I started doing this stuff with him last fall, and he ignored me, cried, ran in the opposite direction, ripped up the paper I gave him...it was a 3-year-old boy thing, I think.  4 is a much better age to start this with him.  There is, of course, no guarantee that this will last, but I'm praying real hard!!  And in the meantime, I'll just enjoy it. 

I think through all of this, the trick is going to be keeping my brain organized.  And the kids from revolting.  I scheduled every minute from 7:00-12:30 this morning, and tried to figure out where the girls should do while Bryson was doing something and vice versa.  Bryson isn't really up to independent academic activity, and the girls kind of are...so we go with that when we can.  It's another one of those times when I wish I had another kid just younger than Bryson!  He can definitely build with boxes while the girls read, but they hate to read when they know he's playing.  Argh.  Fortunately, he enjoys "doing school" while the girls are doing school, and I only heard, "I want someone to play with me!" twice today while they were doing work...again I say we'll see.  We skipped science and history today...I don't remember actually accomplishing anything the first week of school when I taught though, so I guess I won't worry about it today.  Tomorrow, I'll worry.

You know, all in all, it was a fun day.  Someday I'll get my hands on a digital camera and I'll post pictures right away from our wild and crazy days.  In the meantime, trust me when I say I took adorable pictures of them opening their first day of school outfits and new school supplies, the box buildings--especially the inn from Red Sails to Capri (our read-aloud), etc, and that eventually, I'll get them processed.