Yesterday a friend from a really long time ago posted a picture from that really long time ago on his facebook...a flood of emotions washed over me as I saw this picture...gosh, it was 15 years ago.  I was 18.  I cringed when I looked at the shot.   

 

Other than the obvious physical differences, there are so many differences between the girl in that picture and the girl typing this entry.  Thank God.  I remember the moment the picture was taken like it was yesterday...the rest of the day eludes me a bit.  A friend of mine, recently wrote something to me talking about her shockingly defficient memory...I echo her sentiment.  I used to pride myself on my excellent ability to remember detail.  But that's another entry for another time.  I remember the situation in the picture, the people I was with and the reason I was with them, where we were, the guy I was falling over at the time, the nearness to the time I had been falling all over another guy, the number of guys I was nuts about that summer of travelling.  I was prompted to pull out my journals from college last night and I read many of them (oh, dear), and realized that I must have come off as a silly, boy-crazy, confused, desperate, moody, annoying, hyperactive child in college.  What a mess!!  Looking back, I'm so embarrassed, it's almost frightening.  When it came right down to it, I knew what I was looking for, but I had no real idea how to find it.  My journal is filled with conversations with God...like every entry...every couple of days...about what He wanted for my life, how I needed to change my attitude and accept His plan for me, how I knew that I had taken back over, and I needed to let go and let Him lead, that I knew I wasn't supposed to be with whatever guy I was with right then and that when it ended (!!), I was not going to date anyone for six months...my goodness.   Desperate.  Silly.  Boy-crazy.  Annoying.

 

To those of you who suffered through those years of my life with me (ahem, especially you, Mom and Dad), I apologize.  Profusely.  I am sorry you had to listen to me whine, that you had to deal with my moodiness, that I probably largely ignored your wise counsel (oh, like the "You'd better hang on to him, Min.  He's probably the only guy who will put up with your crap."  Though, it's probably a good thing I ignored that one), that you had to watch me fumble and make an idiot of myself repeatedly.  I am sorry.  And so humbled.

 

Beyond the whole boy-crazy, silly, juvenile thing, however, there are so many other differences between me and that girl...15 years translates into a lifetime.  Or at least these 15 years have.  I think I've matured.  I think I've become more the person God intended for me to be.  I think I have learned to listen and follow His direction better.  I have calmed down and focused my attention somewhat better than I was capable of doing back then (on something other than the Calc. III exam or my Library Research and Writing paper)(because now I probably couldn't do that!!).  At the same time, there are also differences I wish didn't exist.  Differences I can't necessarily verbalize, but I recognize...things about that person that I miss.  At the time, I was looking for my life to change.  It did.  In so many ways.  Many of them are obviously for the better.  Some could have gone very differently, and it would have been OK.  I'm sure we all look back on our lives at some point and tally up our successes, our regrets.  Until last night, I hadn't realized (blame that defficient memory) how many regrets I actually have...I would have even said I didn't have any. 

 

Maybe I'll burn those journals now.

 

I guess maybe the point I'm realizing is that I can't get bogged down in those stupid years of regrets.  Another friend blogged last week, "My dad once told me that he has no regrets in life. He has done everything he's dreamt to do. He is only 62.  But he told me that about 8 years ago.  How in the world did he do that?  I guess the short answer is . . . he found time to do it...Well, here goes another try.  And a new leaf...I have a chance to wipe the slate clean and try again.  Will I do it?  Perhaps. Will I fail?  Most certainly.  I pray that I find the important things and keep them important.

And live life with no regrets."

 

So, here's me, wiping my slate clean.  No regrets from here on out.  And I'm sure you'll hear about my failures here.  But I'm sure hoping there are some successes along the way.  I'll keep you posted.

This is my fourth attempt at blogging in the past week.  The first time, I got interrupted...by the sudden realization that I had forgotten to prepare something for school the next day.  The second time, I fell asleep writing.  As I closed things down, somehow the blog entry closed without being saved as a draft.  I have no idea how that actually happened.  No idea.  The third time, I got going really well, and somebody else closed the computer and the screen refused to come back on when it came out of hibernation.  ARGH!!  So, here I am.  Making no promises. 

 

Because, you see, when your brain is mush, not much worth reading comes out of it. 

 

And my brain is mush. 

 

School is underway, and it's going well.  I absolutely love the curriculum I chose for this year and the kids seem to be enjoying it as well.  The girls are using My Father's World curriculum, the Adventures in My Father's World program...it is a study of American History, among other things.  Officially, my last text came in the mail today, via an individual in Massachusetts who listed it online somewhere (at this point, I have bought so many things online for school that I honestly couldn't tell you where I found it), which is a blessing, since we start the lessons next week.  :)  Nothing like waiting until the last minute.  I started feeling guilty because I was planning to ditch formal grammar instruction this year...so I ordered the book and we're going to take it easy.  If you ask the girls, they'll tell you their favorite part of every day is science (well, since every day has an experiment, I guess I can understand their enthusiasm).  We begin math formally next week (we're reviewing math facts this week, and we start Singapore 2B on Monday).  Bryson...well, I think he likes it when I forget he's supposed to be doing something productive while the girls are doing something independently and instead switch over the laundry or fix snacks.  When he's doing his "required" work, he does very, very well.  I'm pleased with his progress, and with what he already knows.  I'm using My Father's World Kindergarten with Bryson, he does history and science with the girls, and I'm supplementing with the Sound of the Week curriculum from Letteroftheweek.com.  Since he already knows the sounds of all of the letters, I think he's ready for the blends.  We'll see.   I'm sure you'll hear more from me as we go along.  Emily seems to enjoy what Bryson is doing, and my artstic ability is being stretched daily as I attempt to draw her some silly picture (which, of course, Bryson needs me to duplicate as soon as he sees it...why I don't just make him an actual copy I'm not exactly sure...goes right back to the mushy brain phenomenon, I'm guessing) to accompany his lesson.  Ah, well.  Someday I'll get my act together.

 

Or not.

 

The girls started pre-team gymnastics at the Y  three days a week last week, and I started substitute coaching Beam while the real coach is in China finishing up the adoption of her little girl.  So far, it has been a lot of work, but it has reminded me how much I love coaching.  It's such a different place to be for me this time--last time, I was pregnant for Lainie (so not really capable of demonstrating skills or much of anything else, for that matter), the team program at the Y was a lot more disorganized, and I didn't know what I was doing.  This time, I have researched the one event I'm doing (rather than floundering through all of the events with some help from a couple of other people), I've learned the routines (argh!), I've planned warmups and conditioning and beam drills, and I feel like I'm actually doing some good.  Add to that the fact that I get to watch Reasa and Lainie enjoying themselves and already showing improvement in areas the progressive program didn't even begin to address...well, it's a good thing.  The head coach approached me yesterday about continuing on after the girl I'm subbing for comes back...we'll see. 

 

I'm only borderline losing my mind right now.  Why not add another job??

 

And Seth is still out of town.  This is his second week away in a row...after a couple weeks home, and a couple of weeks away-ish before that.  Regardless, they have been long weeks, whether out of town or not.  It's fine...we survive...but I know why single moms are frazzled, that's for sure.  And most of them work a lot more than 9 hours a week outside the home!! 

 

Well, the carpet cleaning man has officially left, and it's time to get school started (hard to do with all of the furniture moving around, a loud sucking/steaming noise coming from the van parked in the driveway, and two men wandering through with spray equipment and long hoses).  If you live in my area, and you need your carpets cleaned, call Superclean...they do a great job, and they're inexpensive.  The carpets look amazing!!!  And after housebreaking a dog, it was anything but amazing.  And stinky.  And just generally yucky.  Hooray for clean carpets!!  Now, if my dad would get here in the next few minutes and rescue my dog from the locked bathroom (where she was put in order to keep her from escaping out the front door while the carpet cleaning man was here...didn't realize the door was locked when I pushed it shut and though I've pried the bolts out of the hinges, I can't, for the life of me, get the door out of the frame...poor whining doggy) life would be good. 

 

Wanna tell me how to un-mushify my brain?  I'm open for suggestions...

 

 

 

When you were a child, which crayon color was your favorite?
Lavender.  Definitely

On a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 being highest), how likely would you be to change jobs if it required you to move?
Oh, man.  Assuming we're talking about Seth's job...about a 4.

Take all the numbers in your birthday and your phone number and add them up, one by one. What’s the total?
47.

 

Have you ever “re-gifted” anything? If so, what was it and who did you pass it on to?
I gave my brother and his wife pyrex at each of their wedding showers which we had received zillions of sets of when we had showers and got married three months before they did.  :)  I told them I was doing it.  And I did do one real non-re-gifted gift for the wedding...I think there were at least 3 showers.  And goodness...if we're talking about baby clothes...where do I begin??

Name something you need from the store.
Milk.  Always milk.  And copy paper.  Ten weeks of copies for my kids later, plus art lessons, we definitely need copy paper.

Really, this one's not too bad.  :)  I'm tagging:

Stacie Lee

Karen Mattison

Jenn Mattison